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Thursday, June 10, 2010
Raha toa moa ka … hafaliana vetivety.
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Allo chérie, miracle akia, miracle. Tena nisy magouille nataon’ny banky angamba fa eto amin’ny distributeur de billets aho izao mijery ny solde dia akory ny hatairako fa vola be tsy toko tsy forohana no ao @ kaontintsika. 1 million, 10 millions, 100 millions, 1 milliards, …
Non, diso kay aho fa numéro de compte iny novakiako iny fa ny solde ato aza mbola ilay 4.357 Ariary foana.
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Thursday, May 13, 2010
Raha toa moa ka … unstrip Poker
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Tanora maromaro, lahy sy vavy milalao unstrip poker, ilay strip poker fa à l’inverse. Ohatra 5 lahy 5 vavy no anombohany. Ny fitsipi-dalao dia tsotra : manofa efi-trano iray, dia samy tsy misy miakanjo fa miboridana tanteraka amin’ny voalohany dia atomboka ny poker. Izay resy dia manomboka mampiditra tsikelikely ny akanjony, ohatra, resy in-1 lé sipa dia ampidiriny ny string, resy faharoa dia ampidiriny ny soutif, etsetra.
Izay mahatafiditra ny akanjony rehetra (izay hoe izay resy lava voalohany) dia mangoron’entana dia mody. Izay tsy mety resy kosa miboridana mihanjaka eo.
Rehefa tanora telo sisa no tavela dia efa akaiky ny fiafaran’ny lalao, ka izay resy voalohany amin’izy telo tavela ireo dia mangoron’entana (ny fitafy rehetra azy 3 tavela) sy manidy lakile ny efitra dia izay roa tavela manao izay ataony ao (kôpy elà) mandra-pahatongan’ny ampitso hamohana ny trano indray.
Alaivo sary an-tsaina izany hoe isan’ilay tsara vintana 3 tavela ialahy, dia isany ao koa lé sipa manja be reven’là be mihitsy, dia ny fahatelo bandy iray hafa advan. Ataon’là zany ze tsy haharesy an’là fa mba ilay advan no ho resy sy handeha hody. Izay no cas de figure tsara indrindra. Saingy raha toa moa ka … ilay sipa no hita taratra fa mitady ho resy foana, ka efa ny ba-kirarony sisa no tsy miditra, ny an’ialahy sy ilay bandy iray hafa anefa mbola zara raha mitafy. Ahoana no atao? Raha ilay sipa mantsy izany no resy dia bandy samy bandy nareo mihidy miboridana ao mandritra ny alina.
Manana safidy 3 ialahy.
1) Na ny poker no lalaovina madio, tsy misy kajikajy politika fa izay alehany any alehany, miandry ny fahatsapan-tenan’ny hafa eo.
2) Na mi-bluff, mody tara @ lé bandy 1 elà, dia hatahotra lery dia hi-sacre hoe tay be kosa raha bandy samy bandy no hihidy ato fa aleoko manao mody resy.
3) Na tsy ho zakan’ny sainlà ny hieritreritra hoe bandy samy bandy no ho tavela ao, dia ialahy no mi-sacra manao resy dia avelan’ialahy ho an’ny advan ny entana.
Raha toa moa ka …
Ho avy ihany no tohin’ilay série efa nampanantenaina ka.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Betax mahadizina
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Ambohimahadizina et les transports en commun.
A Ambohimahadizina, il n’y a que deux moyens de transport possible si vous n’avez pas votre propre véhicule : le taxi pour les gens favorisés et le betax pour les autres (c’est-à-dire les grosses sauterelles qui dorment). Bus, métro, train, pousse-pousse, … n’existent pas ou ne sont pas faits pour les humains.
Dans cette première épisode de la série Ambohimahadizina, je vous propose quelques clichés sur ces betax, le moyen de transport utilisé par 99% des habitants d’Ambohimahadizina. (Je ne ferai pas un article sur les taxis, cliquez sur le lien le taxi plus haut et Madafan vous servira un très joli billet sur le sujet.) Jentilisa étant absent du pays, je me vois dans l’obligation de faire un billet assez looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong.
A Ambohimahadizina, les betax n’ont que deux modes de circulation : le mode “course-poursuite” et le mode “fesse-de-bois” ou vodihazo. En mode course-poursuite, la règle du jeu est très simple : Il ne faut pas se laisser dépasser par un autre taxi-be concurrent. Tous les moyens sont bons pour y parvenir : verrouiller l’accès, provoquer un embouteillage, bien espionner le poursuivant et filer dès qu’il pointe son nez (si vous êtes celui qui est poursuivi), et d’un autre côté, essayer de rouler plus vite que l’advan, se stationner devant lui et non derrière dans les arrêts pour le chargement/déchargement des passagers, demander aux passagers qui vont sortir au prochain arrêt de s’approcher des portes de sortie, (notamment si vous êtes le poursuivant) … Le mode “course-poursuite” est bénéfique pour les passagers qui souhaitent arriver très vite à destination. Le côté négatif c’est que ça cause quelquefois des accidents mortels, mais, ce n’est pas bien grave : tout le monde meurt un jour et à Ambohimahadizina, même une innocente vendeuse de bouquins risque la mort par les balles vicieuses sorties d’une 4×4 blanche. L’autre mode de circulation appelé “vodihazo” est idéal pour les amoureux qui passent du temps ensemble dans la betax, ou pour le père de famille ivrogne qui rentre du boulot et qui n’a pas hâte de revoir les lèvres de son épouse ressemblant à du mofomenakely. La règle du jeu, c’est de rester immobile à chaque arrêt minute pendant au moins 10 minutes, et passé ces 10 minutes, c’est d’essayer d’y rester encore le plus de temps possible jusqu’à ce que le râlement des voyageurs ne soit plus tolérable.
Frais: En général, le prix du ticket, autrement appelé frais de transport, est unique quelle que soit la destination, quelle que soit la ligne de transport. Les exceptions sont les “tapa-dalana” ou mi-chemin. Mi-chemin ne signifie pas la moitié du chemin, cela signifie deux arrêts consécutifs ou tout au plus deux arrêts séparés par un autre et unique arrêt, soit relativement à peu près un dixième de la distance totale. Mi-chemin ne signifie pas moitié du prix du ticket, actuellement c’est deux-tiers du prix normal. (A propos, je suis un mathématicien d’Ambohimahadizina, je peux vous donner la formule mathématique et les lois physiques régissant ces théorèmes).
Les frais sont à regrouper par rangée pour être transmis au receveur et c’est les passagers eux-mêmes qui se chargent de ce regroupement. L’acheminement des frais de transport ainsi regroupés, depuis les passagers jusqu’au receveur requiert la participation bénévole et dévouée des autres passagers, sous les instructions magistrales du receveur. Il en est de même pour la distribution des tickets.
Ticket : c’est un petit bout de papier que les receveurs vous donnent (ou ne vous donnent pas) après avoir reçu votre frais. Il n’existe pas de règle précise sur le quand il en distribue et quand il n’en distribue pas. Si le receveur ne vous en donne pas, il n’est pas nécessaire ni utile de le réclamer, vous passeriez pour un Imbecilus Ambohimadiziniensis. En effet, si vous le réclamez, on vous en donnera un (peut-être même deux ou trois, avec un petit sourire narquois), mais 3 tickets ne vous suffiront pas pour vous essuyer après avoir fait votre besoin.
Famerimbola ou “backmoney”. En général, on vous prie de donner le montant exact du frais, de façon à ce qu’il n’y ait pas de famerimbola, mais dans le cas contraire, le receveur est dans l’obligation de vous retourner la différence entre le billet que vous donnez et le prix exact du ticket. Il faut savoir pourtant qu’il n’est pas du tout obligé de vous retourner le famerimbola tout de suite, ou un peu plus tard. Le théorème suivant a été vérifié par les statistiques : “Toute personne empruntant 10 fois par semaine au moins les betax d’Ambohimadizina oublieront au moins une fois dans sa vie le famerimbola quand elle sort du betax”. Afin de vous éviter de perdre gros dans ce cas, certains receveurs ont l’amabilité de vous proposer de vous retourner immédiatement le 4.000 Ariary et de vous retourner les 700 Ariary restants plus tard, beaucoup plus tard. En cas d’oubli, vous ne perdrez alors que 700 au lieu de 4.700.
Arrêts : Lieux où l’on peut sortir du betax, et théoriquement, lieux où l’on peut y entrer. Ces lieux sont marqués par des signalisations “BUS STOP”, … ou pas. “Ou pas” car les habitants d’Ambohimahadizina détestent ces panneaux signalétiques de toutes leurs forces. Pourtant conçus à l’aide de fers massifs, ces poteaux sont pour la plupart violés (dans le sens voaolana du terme) ou zigouillés. Pour votre sécurité, et aussi par peur des polices de la route, vous ne pouvez sortir du betax que sur ces lieux appelés Arrêts. Les receveurs demandent aux passagers quelques temps avant l’arrivée du betax à un arrêt si un des passagers voudrait y descendre. Il faut donc être attentif et répondre par “Misy miala ao” quand votre arrêt arrive. Les chauffeurs et receveurs du betax accordent souvent une exception à la règle quand il s’agit d’entrer dans le betax sur un lieu qui n’est pas un arrêt, mais quand il s’agit d’en sortir, la règle est scrupuleusement respectée.
Chauffeur : Ambohimadiziniensis avec une chemise et une cravate qui s’assoit sur le premier siège à gauche du betax. L’habit ne faisant pas le moine, ce ne sont pas des Mormons ou des évangélistes d’une secte. Ils ont souvent le privilège de choisir la station radio ou la musique à écouter.
Receveur : appelé aussi aide-chauffeur. C’est celui qui récolte les frais, retourne les famerimbola, espionne les adversaires en cas de course-poursuite, crie les trajets du betax, distribue les tickets, demande si quelqu’un veut descendre à l’arrêt suivant, distribue les strapontins, …
Strapontins : pièce en bois, rarement garni d’éponge et d’une couverture en cuir pour le confort de votre cul, utilisée pour pouvoir s’asseoir là où il n’y a pas de siège.
Tamboho ou seza volamena (littéralement siège en or) : Place étroite, très étroite, dos au chauffeur, où on fait s’asseoir des passagers dans le but de pouvoir en transporter beaucoup plus que la capacité du véhicule. Pour s’y asseoir, les passagers face-à-face font s’entrelacer leurs jambes. J’ai déjà fait l’expérience d’en voler un, de le brûler dans ma cheminée et de regarder les cendres, mais je peux vous dire qu’il n’y avait pas la moindre gramme d’or. (Je parle bien sur de sièges et non de jambes).
Mêlée : Methode de filtrage utilisé par les passagers pour empêcher les vieilles, les infirmes et les plus faibles de prendre le betax. Il s’agit d’une bousculade spontanée dont la règle et la finalité sont d’être parmi ceux que le betax pourra transporter. En effet, quand les betax utilisent le mode “vodihazo” en un point A, il est très probable qu’en un point B, le nombre de passagers voulant utiliser le betax comme moyen de transport est largement supérieur à la capacité de celui-ci, et à ce point B : premiers arrivés, premiers servis. Les mêlées sont une aubaine pour les voleurs à la tire et les faucheurs de poches pour chiper des téléphones portables, portefeuilles ou des argents mal cachés.