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Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Et si … pauvre simplex
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Missive pour simplex.
Stop.
La belle est menacée.
Stop.
Adversaire trop fort.
Stop.
She is giving up.
Stop.
Te transmets ses adieux.
Stop.
Don’t cry for me Argentina.
Stop.
Lire ceci.
Stop.
Fin de la transmission.
Stop.
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Monday, July 11, 2011
Et si … blague et leçon
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L’histoire se passe dans un bar. Un mec se lève et se dirige vers le barman, il commande une bière et la déguste sur place, au lieu de l’apporter vers son copain avec qui il a discuté et partagé une table. Puis, il s’adresse au barman.
- On m’appelle le roi de la pisse, dit-il. Je te parie que si je pose cette verre sur ce bar, et si je me tiens débout depuis là où mon copain s’assoit, je peux pisser en visant ce verre, et je ne verserai aucune goutte d’urine en dehors de ce verre, et que je peux remplir ce verre à moitié avec mon urine.
- Pari tenu, répond le barman en souriant, 2.000 dollars que tu ne réussiras pas. Sur ce, le barman compte 20 billets de 100 dollars et le pose sur la table.
- Ca me va, dit le client, et il met également 2.000 dollars avec les billets du barman.
Il recule, sort son engin, vise le verre, regarde son pénis, vise le verre, regarde son pénis et pchhhhhhhtttt. Il déverse son urine partout dans le bar, sauf dans le verre. Il arrive même à en mettre quelques gouttes sur la blouse du barman.
Il remet l’engin dans sa braguette et s’approche du barman et disant : Oops, on dirait que j’ai perdu. Mais sur ce, il reçoit un uppercut direct du barman qui l’envoie voler et tomber par terre, le barman l’essuie encore de coups de pieds, tout en grommelant des gros mots et avec l’air furax.
- Pourquoi est-tu si fâché, balbutie-il au barman, tu viens de gagner mes 2.000 dollars.
- J’ai bien le droit de gagner 2.000 dollars et être fâché quand-même non? Au fait, c’est le règlement de la maison en ce qui concerne les gens impropres: le barman les roue de coups et ensuite, ils doivent nettoyer leurs saletés, tu aurais dû être au courant, c’est écrit dans les contrats d’utilisation de mon bar.
Comme vous l’aviez deviné, le gars avait fait un pari de 5.000 dollars avec son ami, comme quoi il arriverait à pisser dans le bar, n’importe où, même sur le barman sans que celui-ci s’emporte, et qu’il s’en tirerait sans problème. Il a perdu là aussi, semble-t-il.
Morales de l’histoire : 1) Vous n’êtes pas le seul à avoir vu le film Desperado avec Antonio Banderas, et 2) Il faut toujours lire attentivement les règlements, contrats et termes d’utilisations quoi que vous fassiez. (La deuxième leçon est valable même pour vous inscrire à des sites comme Facebook ou pour installer des logiciels.)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Et si … cette s*l*p* est sadique
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Je disais justement à Jentilisa : elle ne dira rien de substantiel, elle écrira des textes gris sur gris, et quand tu l’auras lu et entendu, c’est comme dans ces moments où tu vas à l’Eglise, mais à la sortie, tu te sens encore plus vide et déboussolé qu’avant, et que tu ne te souviens d’un traître mot du prêtre ou pasteur.
Je croyais la connaitre, je croyais pouvoir prédire sa façon de nous torturer, je voyais tracée la suite logique des évènements.
J’ai eu complètement tort. Elle l’a dit, elle l’a écrit noir sur blanc, sans tergiverser. Et pas du tout dans le sens que je présumais. J’imagine bien l’effet de cette résolution sur celui qui avait crû à la consécration quelques jours plutôt: une douche glaciale.
Et finalement, il s’agit d’un remède qui nécessite l’impossible. Sikidy mila voatsiary. Bon, j’ai compris, je suis le malade, et elle est le guérisseur, mais un guérisseur sadique. Elle aime voir ma douleur durer, et les remèdes qu’elle propose ne servent qu’à faire endurer ma souffrance et pour que je dépende encore plus d’elle et de ses services.
Proposer un remède que le malade n’acceptera jamais de prendre, il faut être sadique pour le prescrire, sauf si …
Sauf si …
Sauf si elle aura le moyen de forcer le malade à prendre ces médicaments amers, et si elle veut s’appliquer à les lui faire avaler par la force.
Par la force.
Et vite.
Parce qu’il ne suffira pas de dire “tu les prends ou je te punis”. Le malade préfère la punition aux médicaments amers. Il faut lui faire avaler la pilule par la force, sinon, ce ne sont que des paroles; et lui, il continuera à souffrir.